***3 June 2005 –Last days

 

Several things have happened the last few days.

I’ll start with two days ago..

Jarome has had some issues with the Daggerwolves. He is an ex-stormtrooper and they don’t seem to trust him, and this made him angry. Then Val-Tane seemed to have ordered him to move to the base.

“I’m not demolishing this house!” He shouted angrily. “The Daggerwolves are the same as the Empire, no different.. I’m leaving!”

I said to him that that would be ridiculous, of course Val-Tane wouldn’t order him to do that. He had allowed Jarome to build his house here in the first place. And besides.. we are rebels now, if he liked it or not. Would he leave the rebellion as a whole because of one person, because of this order of Val-Tane..?

“Don’t be scared, for everything there is a solution..” I said to him with a smile.

And it solved out.. Jarome now has a small barracks in the base, next to mine. Here he has to sleep, but he is allowed to keep the house on the hill.

 

Then I dragged him to the bathroom and there I had sex.. me for the second time. In a few days I could finally tell him that ‘we’ would have a child. A daughter.

 

 

Yesterday

I have shaken hands with a.. wookie. This was a weird sensation. I had to get over my fear for the ‘carpets’, this wookie acted nice.. in total contrary to what I used to think about them when I was with 336^th Sentinel Company. Savages, beasts, monsters..

 

There seem to be several wookies with the Daggerwolves, as other aliens. It was difficult for me to get used to it, but it is getting easier and easier now. I think that I never disliked aliens, before my brain got messed up.

By the way, this wookie is called Biakhara.

I feel guilty that I have been such a racist.. yes everybody says ‘Aaricia it’s not your fault, you were a victim to some nasty experiment’. But.. well I have done bad things..

I mean.. experiences ‘make’ people.. like ones childhood. It can make a person a nice, peaceful person or a psychopath. If the psychopath murders people we blame the psychopath. Or should we blame his parents, or society? I have done bad things, I am responsible for it. And I feel bad about it.

But also.. I haven’t chosen to do these things in the first place, or to think like this. So I guess I should forgive myself and move on, as I cannot change the past.

But life doesn’t feel the same anymore, not at all.

 

Jarome is very nice, I can talk well with him. And I have more the feeling that I wanna talk a bit more with the others too, I really hope they aren’t very mad at me about my past. I hope I can be friends with them, like it used to be.

 

There seem to be at least 5 bounty hunters after us, so not only that trooper Waykeen. It feels so unrealistic.. I mean here we are, far away from everything.. would they ever find us here..? Maybe we should move sometimes, to stay one step ahead of them. Because I think someday they could find out where we are.

 

Today

I told Jarome that I’m pregnant. At first he looked a bit shocked, but then he reacted happily.

 

I felt bad that I lied, but I want to keep the peace and the child safe, safe from the Empire. I think it is better if she will believe that Jarome is the father, so that she won’t run off to find her real dad with a big risk of dying. And I want Jarome to love the child as it was his own. I don’t want her to be another victim of this bloody war.

 

We went to the bar to have a chat. I have to think about the kid all the time, the beautiful new life that is growing in my.. belly. Don’t drink alcohol, don’t do drugs and such. Don’t get in too rough fights J

It feels so weird, that somebody is being created inside of myself.

 

In the bar Jarome said that dr. Roseward had asked him to be extracted from Tatooine as she doesn’t feel safe for some reason. We all, Jarome, Kemaj, me and Xanado, agreed upon the fact that this can be a trap. A bounty is on our heads, a lot of money. Roseward could be playing some foul trick, luring us into a trap.

I gave some idea’s. Maybe we can make a time and location with the doctor. Then some of us (non-wanted persons in civvies) get to this spot earlier, and put some sign there. Let the doctor do some scavenger hunt, while some of us follow her the same time, checking out the situation. Like if people are walking with the doctor.. keep an eye at her, from balconies, dark corners, roofs.

We talked more about it. It would be also handy if Jarome and I would be in separate units, to diminish the chance that we both get captured. And I can best be in the defensive team, waiting at the shuttle, keeping the starport secure, not going into town. Cause my face hasn’t changed, the risk would be just too big. And I also have a child in my belly. I want her to live. I think it is also handy if we take the doctor not to Azaki, but to some neutral spot. Like a camp somewhere in the wilderness of Corellia or Naboo. She can be safe there, and then we will be safe too.

I’m not scared anymore. I can keep hiding forever, but if we keep hiding and hence do nothing anymore, cringing of fear.. we will never win this war! I feel ready to serve the Daggerwolves again, and I’m not afraid to go on that mission. I think every extra person is an asset. I can fight.

Val-Tane entered the bar, we rose to attention.

It still feels odd to have the captain socialize with us. In the Empire’s army, superiors keep more distance to inferiors; the CO never socialized with us at all. I said to Val-Tane that I feel ready to start some duties again.

I was allowed to guard the entrance of the Garrison building as some ‘VIP guest’ visited the place. For the first time I put on my uniform again, the camo pants, light brown shirt, long green-brownish duster and the boots. It felt odd, but I feel a lot more like I was myself.. I am a rebel! I am Aaricia Silverstar!