***17 February 2005 – Last week

I haven’t written something in my diary for a while..

last days I have talked with several friends.

I have talked with Mugendo. We had a really nice talk. He wants to help the Alliance after what he has seen last weeks! He said ‘I have seen enough justice’. He also said that he had heard that my family died well.. they hadn’t screamed or something, they had died in courage.

“And since you have their blood, I really respect you. What do you need? I’m happy to give it to your and your fellow Alliance fighters. Tell me, what do you need?”

I almost had to cry, I smiled to him.

I was amazed when Mugendo told me that he had already been supplying weapons to the Anchorhead division of the Alliance. Somehow this didn't amaze me.

I asked if he wanted to supply us with credits. He shook his head.

“No money, I have experience with that.. I will supply goods, then I know for sure that the money is used well.”, he said.

“Ok.. I will talk with Alliance command.”

“Is there something that you want personally? I give you anything you want.”

I smiled. So many people were so nice to me.

“Hmmm.. maybe a new wardrobe? Can you give me bright colored clothes?”

He smiled. I stared in his eyes and couldn’t resist thinking about my father.

“And I could use a little house where I can stay, and a job. I need a cover.”

Mugendo mentioned some names. In my mind I repeated them.

I nodded.

“Thank you very much.” I smiled at him. “May the Force be with you.”

I really want to specialize in networking with people.. and hence try to get as much allies as possible, as much support from the civilians!

I felt happy when I left the house in Heaven where I had the talk with him, but also I felt deep sadness.. like a big black hole deep inside myself.

A day later I met Vernant. He acted very cold to me, after I told him that I was Aaricia Silverstar.

“And how do you feel now, having betrayed your family? Having acted like a coward and because of this they died!”

This felt like he put a knife right into my heart, a really cold knife. I gasped to him.

“I guess you aren’t sleeping well? I can imagine that!” He continued.

Why did he act so mean to me? He kept blaming me and then I reached a point at where it felt enough. He seemed to put his shit onto me!

“Stop it Vernant! I have already been through enough shit.. I'm not gonna take this too!”

But he didn’t. I stood in front of him and turned my back to him, but still it hurt.

“Don’t you dare to confront me?” He then yelled at me. “Coward!”

I turned back and kicked him in the balls.

“You are the same as the Imperials.. you are just the same!” He shouted in rage.
Then he pulled a rifle and aimed at me.

I froze. My hand slowly moved towards my own holstered pistol, while I was acting panicked. I pulled it and held my index finger on the trigger.

There we were standing in front of each other, our weapons aimed, ready to pull the trigger.

Time froze.

“Let’s kill each other.” Verns voice broke the silence that'd felt like eternity. “Let’s leave Olis without a husband and Lyzzie without a father. Let’s just give up our lives.”

A doshan that I recognized suddenly stood next to us and asked something.
”MOVE ALONG! This is none of your business!” I sneered at him. I aimed my pistol at the dosh and he backed off, then ran away.
I felt a lot of rage and tears formed in my burning eyes.

Then Vern and I, again, stared into each others eyes, and the eyes of our weapons. Suddenly I realized how much I myself had changed last year. In Vernant's eyes I saw myself. My own despair, my sadness. So much anger and despair had collected inside of me. I felt scared of it. Had it been this that the war veterans had been talking about? Was I turning into a real soldier and getting used to the war? But I was losing myself!
Would I ever just kill somebody when I would have an argument with this person? Would I ever.. just become so angry that I wouldn’t think anymore and then after it I would regret my actions? Have I turned into a killing machine, a danger to the ‘normal’ citizens? Years ago I had been a regular university student that had never touched a gun, now I was a soldier, full of rage! Without my gun I felt naked. It was like I needed it now else I didn’t feel safe anymore.

I sighed and holstered it.

Vernant did the same.

“I guess I have just lost a friend.” I said, feeling sad. “Farewell, Vernant.”

I walked away, trembling of emotions.

“S- Wait!” He called. “WAIT!”

He walked to me and put an arm around me. I started to cry, he held me and we sat down.

“I’m sorry Aaricia. I’m so sorry.. I guess you won’t forgive me after what I have just said. Aaricia-”

I cried with passion. I sobbed and cried and I mourned and I talked about my family and all the sad things and that it had hurt so much, hurt so much, hurt so much to witness these things, with myself and with others. He tried to stop my crying, but it was in vain. He could only hold me and pulled my shaking body against his chest.
There we sat. People passed by, Imperial stormtroopers walked by, and none of them paid any attention to us. It was as if we were in some other dimension, invisible but the same time still there. We were totally safe.
I rested in Vernant's arms, after which I fell like some weight had been removed from my body.
"Thank you Aaricia." Vernant spoke softly. Then he walked away.

A few days later Ani’a contacted me.

“I want to speak with you. Meet me at the following coordinates..”

I travelled to this place, and the very odd it was.. on these coordinates was my families burial place!

I kneeled on the spot. The only little mark were a few stones. Then Ani'a appeared. She looked the same as I remembered. I smiled.

“Aaricia.. I want to interview you and put it on the Holonet.” She spoke with a resolute voice.

I thanked the Force, delightly nodding to her.

She let me talk for hours, and I cried, clenced my fists, signed, shook my head. It felt like a relief. And Ani'a only nodded and kept writing, writing very fast.

I smiled warmly at her. I said to her that if they would start chasing her she could contact some people and we would put her to safety.

Next day it was on the Holonet, it was the headline of the daily news. Though within half an hour the Empire removed the page and replaced it with an Imperial message.

Individuals or organizations found to be aiding a wanted traitor in spreading lies or false propaganda will be brought to justice.

I could imagine the paranoia and chaos that would be in the News station right now, and certainly for the coming days. Ani'a had to stay alert, she had to.. we were all together in this.

------------------------------

But still I feel so much rage because of what happened to my family and I want to take revenge so badly! But I have to keep myself quiet because if I give in to these feelings, I will do some crazy kamikaze action and I will die and maybe more of us.

Life continues, no matter how hard it feels. I have to keep moving, I cannot give up. Though, I feel so depressed.

My friends forced me to a party at the Fallen Star, a pirate party. I decided that maybe it would be good to go there, to think about something else for one evening. I managed to combine some clothes for a pirate outfit and went there. I saw a lot of familiar people in the Fallen Star but almost nobody recognized me. It felt sad, as if a big wall surrounded me. A wall to protect me but it also made me isolated from them.

Then Lyzzie came standing in front of me, staring into my face.

“You sound familiar.” She said.

It felt ok to tell her that I was Aaricia, and so I did.

“Oh my god.” She gasped. “I’m so sorry about your family.”, she said to me and hugged me. “But at least.. I killed Pincer. So consider your friend Xtyx avenged. Maybe this can comfort you a bit.”

But it didn't.

We didn’t say much more.. we both had been through a lot. It wasn’t necessary to know the details about each other’s experiences.

We returned to the party and ordered some brandy, that we drunk without speaking any word.

There was a clothing- and pirate-yell contest. Watching those funny behaving people made a smile on my face.

Later at the party a blue colored Twi’lek handed me a folded paper. I thought it was another advertisement, but it seemed to be some note.

Contact me as soon as possible.
And a comm frequency.

I took my comlink and tapped the frequency. A woman's voice, that I vaguely recognized, sounded through it.

“I want to talk about your.. work.” She spoke. "My name is Liakhara.."
"You also want to wipe the streets?" I asked her.
"Eur.. what?"
"Wiping streets. I'm a street wiper."
"No, it's.. another job."
"I'll call you back later."
How.. what the..? Who-
I contacted Dusty Bantha to ask him if he knew this woman.
"Yes, I know her very well!" He said cheerfully. "She is a friend of us."

“Ok thanks I know enough."

I met Liakhara in the back of the theatre, she was a yellow colored Twi'lek and I recognized her, though I didn't recall from what and when.

“I want to help your Taskforce. How can I do this?” She asked. “I want to strike at the very heart of the Empire for what they did to me, to you and may others!”

She looked hateful and I recognized my own feelings.

I silently nodded at her.

"You will be contacted in the coming while." I said to her.

We smiled at each other. Again, in her eyes I recognized myself.