***January 2005 – End of the Nexuz

What I don’t like is a squadron of stormtroopers bashing into the cantina where I’m having a drink, but what I really don’t like is men that harass little girls.

Yeah it was the Nexuz, but they just.. shouldn’t start harassing Lyzzie. Lyzzie is only fifteen, and this guy was approaching her all the time.

He tried to bother other girls, but when he didn’t succeed he approached her again.

We asked him to leave, but he got more pushy. I knew they were almost with the complete gang here, but when I grabbed her to.. do whatever I kicked him in the balls.

As expected (but I hadn’t thought about this euh.. much) the others approached, grabbing all kinds of weapons.

Oh shit, I thought, I’m a dead person. But I rather die fighting for my rights or those of another person, than growing old as a sheep that only watches these things but does nothing. So I grabbed my pistol, but the woman beat it out of my right hand and slammed me down with a stick. Then other non-gang members got up and started fighting with the gang, and the whole Fallen Star was covered in the clouds of one big fight.

I lost my consciousness for a while, but when I woke up finding myself lying next to Lyzzie and Ani’a. Everybody was lying in some prone-like position except for the Nexuz people.

“Stay on the ground or get shot!” One of them shouted with an aggressive voice. “You are all hostages now!”

“No one fokkin movez!”

Aggression.. just a behavior to cover fear. Why would a person.. or a group.. or even a system act like this? Aggression was a self-defending behavior. The Nexuz where scared to death.

When I heard the filtered voices of stormtroopers I felt a bit scared too. My hairs immediately got into a vertical position, the usual reaction to them. So maybe.. concerning my earlier consideration.. I was a bit like them?

I knew I was hiding in my ratio to hide my emotions, cause actually this all scared the hell out of me. And then I saw some black fluid coming out of.. Lyzzies belly..?

“I’m hit.” She stammered softly.

While trying to get us into a corner I noticed the troopers bashing into the room, and a big firefight started. One of the Nexuz people, the only woman of them, held a Twi’lek woman in her arms, putting a knife against her throat.

“BACK OFF OR SHE DIES!” She shouted.

“A Twi’lek? You could have picked a better hostage.” One of the troopers remarked emotionless.

I gasped..

The woman slit the Twi’lek’s throat the same time as the trooper shot her in the head.

How could.. I mean stormtroopers are also humans. Are they sick or something? How can people be like this? How can they just.. say such things? I almost had to cry as I watched the Twi’lek falling onto the ground, the blood pouring out of her throat, as I saw the glance in her eyes.. utter astonishment and fear. The trooper just let her die painfully.

I continued helping Lyzzie into the corner.

The firefight continued for a while, sometimes the Nexuz won more terrain, sometimes the troopers. But in the end the troopers won.. of course they were with more and had the possibility to call for backup, and the Nexuz had nowhere to go. They got cuffed as everyone slowly got up. Noone of them paid any attention to Lyzzie, or the dead body of the Twi’lek. They just stepped onto it.

Now the ‘regular’ Aaricia appeared in myself. I hoped they wouldn’t start harassing us now. But fortunately they just ordered us to leave, except for the persons that needed medical attention. I saw doctor Iara trying to tend for more people the same time, I saw the stressed glance on her face, the sad expression. I saw how she stared at the Twi’lek with a deeply sad glance, but not too long.

I thing Iara is a good person.

She examined Lyzzie shortly, saw the confusion on her face. Lyzzie wasn’t bleeding, it seemed like some oil or something came out of her chest.

“I can walk, it’s ok it only hurts a bit.” Lyzzie remarked.

I raised an eyebrow at the girl.. hit in the chest.. black fluid coming out of it and it only hurt a bit. The weirdest thing of all of it is that Lyzzie herself didn’t seem to know anything about this. She looked as astonished as Iara.

One of the stormtroopers approached us again.

“Move out of the building.”

We helped Lyzzie out of the Fallen Star. Outside I looked back and saw the Nexuz gang being escorted away by the troopers, their hands cuffed on the back. Was this the complete gang? What would happen with them? I heard somebody remarking the word ‘Dathomir’.

Dathomir prison? The place where they.. were keeping my family too?

Even though I didn’t consider the Nexuz my friends, I felt a bit pity for them. Dathomir prison.. how would it be there? I imagined big black buildings with huge fences, a depressing grey sky, or maybe a red sky. Lava all around the prison, and everybody had to work, chained to each other. And if somebody wouldn’t work hard enough he would get hurt.. almost no food.. people dying. Did my family have to work there too? I ‘saw’ them working there.

Jason being mad at me, not understanding.. Lolita.. how would they feel?

“Mathilda, are you alright?” Ani’a’s question brought me back to reality.

Oh yeah.. Mathilda..

A beautiful name, if I would one day get a daughter, I would call her ‘Mathilda’. Now it was just my fake identity.

“I.. I’m ok.” I lied, and followed them, also helping carrying Lyzzie. Oh my god, she was heavy!

In the medcentre.. Lyzzie lying on the bed, remarking that she would probably be non-human in a bit of a question form.

Everything still felt pretty confusing for me, I stared in one of the mirrors that were hanging on some spots on the walls. There was blood all over my face. With trembling hands I got some tissue and wiped a bit off. But I wasn’t in the here and now..

My family was captured because of me.

No Aaricia get over it.. it wasn’t your idea nor intention to have them being deported to Dathomir prison.

“You still have some blood on your face.” I heard Ani’a’s voice in the distance, it brought me back to the here and now for a bit again. She took another tissue and wiped the rest off my face.

I have a bad feeling.. maybe I’m just tired. But I’m feeling.. as if something bad will happen really soon. Maybe I better stay more careful the coming period. Are ‘they’ finding out about my cover? Or am I just paranoid?

Maybe it was also because of this Sullustan, pointing at me.. when we left the Fallen Star.

“I know you!” He said. “I recognize you!”

“Euh.. you must have mistaken me with someone else..?” I stammered.

“No.. you look familiar.. very familiar..”

The tone of his voice..

“But I won’t tell them.” He then whispered in my ear, when the troopers walked out of the building, pushing everybody away.

I feel scared like hell. I know from myself that I can be very courageous, but in the inside of me.. when I feel tired..

I wish there was somebody here right now who I can tell everything to. Somebody that I feel safe with, someone who comforts me. I feel so lonely, I’m crying now sitting in some little alley, feeling lost and lonely.. vulnerable. I want to take my commlink to talk with one of my friends but ‘they’ listen to everything. I take a stone from the ground and throw it against the wall. I want to scream. Why don’t I have the Force within me, and then I get trained to be a Jedi and I can free my family..

I force myself to get up, get my ass back to Talus. Hiding my tears, acting as if nothing is happening inside of me. Keeping my cover, keeping myself safe. But sometimes.. right now this feels very frustrating.

Soon Aaricia, soon you may cry again. Soon you may feel small, lost, lonely and vulnerable. Stay strong now..

But for how long.. how long am I supposed to keep this up, this fake personality? Am I really.. like this?

Who am I?