***6 February 2005 –One day left

 

I feel very sad at the moment.

Yesterday I made my decision: I’ll turn myself in with the Empire. But not without preparation; I had made a plan.

First Vernant would hypnotize me, he would make me forget all names of the Alliance people and their sympathizers, and the location of our base. He would replace the location of the rebel base with another one, the location of a little town that has been deserted for quite some years. I would write a letter to major Gou-geo in which I would explain this all. I would ask them to make some buildings from this little town look like it has recently been deserted, like here had been the rebel base but they had just moved away from here. I think when the Empire gets me again they will interrogate me another time (or more times again), and I really don’t want to tell them anything more. So I have to forget, have to forget it all, my friends.. everything.

 

Yesterday I had written my testament, this letter for Gou-geo and a last propaganda flyer (that hopefully incite some uprisings in this part of the Galaxy –if I die I will die as a martyr!). Then I spoke with Vernant, I told him about my plans and asked him if he wanted to do the hypnosis. He asked me a lot of questions;

are you sure?

Won’t they win if you turn yourself in?

Do you realize the consequences, do you realize that the will torture you worse, maybe much worse, than last time?

Do you really believe that they will let your family live?

Are you sure that you will give up your life, give it all up, are you sure that you want this?

I started to hesitate. After some minutes I said with a trembling voice, crying softly: yes.

He nodded at me and he hugged me, looking very sad.

 

 

“Maybe I can keep you alive if they execute you.. or better said bring you back to life.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I can get the brain out of your dead body and put it into another one. You will be the same person but now in a new body.”

“Ok but if I’ll do this, please remove all those bad memories. I want to start a complete new life. I don’t want to be worried anymore. Make me a few years younger maybe the same age of Lyzzie maybe we can become friends of the same age. My last years are years of war, I want to do them again.. can you do that?”

He nodded.

“If I die I finally want peace.”

He nodded then we became silent again, looking at the magnificent view from the upper deck of his ship, of Endor and it’s forest moon.

“Where will I live then?”, I asked.

“You can live with me, as a sister of Lyzzie..”

 

“You may make your last wish now. Is there anything you always wanted to do in your life? I have the whole day left, I can maybe give this to you.”, he then asked with a soft voice.

At this moment I suddenly felt so depressed..

I said that one time in my life, months ago I had been at the beach of queen Amidala. I wanted to see it again.

“Ok then we go there, now.”

 

When I walked at the beach, the warm sun shining at my body, my bare feet (one of them cloned, but I almost didn’t notice this anymore) stepping in the soft sand, I realized that I don’t want to die. I want to live! I don’t want to give this all up, I don’t want to.. to not be there anymore in a few days!

I don’t want to turn myself in..

Grrrr I ping-pong from yes to no, no to yes it makes me crazy. But well after tomorrow night I have made the decision anyhow, from that moment there is no way back anymore.

If I turn myself in, who says that they won’t kill my family? Nobody will know about them, they will be returned to Dathomir and there they can be killed and nobody will notice! They can do whatever they want, even if I turn myself in..

It is a lose-lose situation. If I turn myself in there is a little chance that they will let my family live, but they can kill them too. If I don’t turn myself in they will definitely kill them. I have a lot of friends, the Alliance can use every person. What should I do?

If I don’t turn myself in they will say something like ‘here people you see how evil Aaricia Silverstar is, she has just let her family die’. They will make me feel bad about myself. I think this is worse than the physical torture that I endured a week ago: take the people I love hostage..

 

It is also.. one of the just arrived cadets called Deask’, which I haven’t even met, has been taken prisoner by the same Imperial garrison that had captured and interrogated me one and a half week ago. Is he enduring the same things like me now? It makes me feel mad.. and if I turn myself in too now then the Alliance lost TWO people instead of one. And then I got this email from Iara, another person wants to speak with two of us, he is interested in maybe joining the Alliance. Since a week several people have joined us, since the execution and all. It gives me hope..

And then.. today I read on the Holonet an anonymous message, where I’m mentioned in. It is a pro-Alliance message and I’m mentioned in there as an example of the cruelty of the Empire. People stand up and fight, fight for freedom! It is exactly the same message as that flyer that I have written yesterday and that I wanted to spread (and ask other people to help me spreading) just before I would turn myself in. But I guess this is not necessary anymore..

And my friends, everybody is so nice to me, there are so many good things in life. No I don’t wanna die, screw them.. they will kill my family anyhow.

 

If I decide to not turn myself in I’ll contact a plastic surgeon, take another ID and I’ll dedicate my entire life to bringing down the New Order!

The Empire will never get me, neither will their bounty hunters!

Now I’m really pissed off.. their flags will burn I’ll take care of that, I have collected enough hate to do this (but I’ll never stop loving my friends, enjoying the sunlight etcetera although the coming days this will be very hard)!!

 

But then.. Vernant can give me a new life. Actually I can still enjoy the sun, the sand, the water, and I can go to this beach another time and to more beaches. I still have my life ahead of me. I will only suffer a few days, only some days, after that I’ll have peace.. and I won’t die. But the Alliance lost me. Although with my personality.. I’ll still be an idealist, I will still desire freedom, I think that’s an innate property of mine..

 

Aaaargh what am I gonna do!

But.. this will be my choice, if I do this I have done this from my own initiative. I’m free to choose now, at least I’m still free..