***19 June 2005 -Married

There we were standing in front of the altar. The light of the candles flickered in the face of my soon-to-be-husband.. and Val-Tane.

I was supposed to feel happy, maybe I did feel happy.

The last days I had felt this more and more.. is it right to marry Jarome and keep my life here with the Daggerwolves, as a soldier of the Alliance, a soldier that fights in this war?

After.. after our attack at Sentinel base close to Mos Entha.. well it felt like my world, my complete life, like it was slowly starting to fall apart. Completely.

I am hesitating.. yesterday I almost had the feeling like somebody else.. like my body was not mine. What do I feel? Sometimes I cannot even tell anymore. Am I still a rebel, or maybe.. maybe I’m neither one of them.. anymore.

Last night I had this dream. I dreamed of a girl who’s family was murdered and she was locked up somewhere. Then she escaped and bitterly she took revenge, laughing insanely while killing people. She had totally gone mad.

Later in this dream I was standing next to this girl, she was detonating bombs all over some unknown planet. Then she noticed me and immediately took me hostage, her eyes bright red, burning like some hellfire. She dragged me with her and I started talking to her. I said that she was exactly doing the same as the Empire now, and more of these things. Then suddenly she stared at me with, now, big bright blue eyes, tears came out of them. At the same time the sound of Imperial walkers came closer. She dragged me towards some strange looking forest. I said that I would help her.. if she would just let me go.

“Let me go please.. you can trust me! Get a new life.. run.. RUN!” I yelled at her.

She nodded at me and I pointed left, and she ran towards this direction, away into the forest, vanishing between the many trees. I walked back into the direction of the houses that were next to the forest. Then I saw a stormtrooper dragging an innocent man out of a small house, putting a rifle against his back. I gasped and threw myself into some trench, cringing in fear, my head buried under my hands. I hoped they wouldn’t notice me. But then the man suddenly jumped onto me and started pulling on one of my legs, and there came the stormtrooper also..

He aimed his rifle at us, I opened my mouth to scream. Then somebody ran out of the woods. It was the girl and she pointed her carbine at the trooper.

“Run Aaricia.. take this man with you, this is not your war anymore.. RUN!” She yelled at me, and we ran like hell. I didn’t look back, the last thing that I heard were laserblasts.

It seemed that this girl had lost her madness and now she was protecting civilians against the Empire, instead of attacking them. She was sacrificing herself..

I don’t know exactly what this dream is telling me, but the last weeks I am having a lot of dreams like this one.

I am married now as I’m writing all this the day after the wedding. I thought that I had made a decision and that marrying him would finally get me finding back my inner peace, but instead I feel even less at peace than before.

If I listen to the message that the dreams of last weeks apparently want to tell me, then I have to leave the Daggerwolves, leave Jarome.. take one of the starfighters and leave the Corellian system.

But at least.. yesterday I did feel happy. I felt resolute, certain..

I met Jarome outside, he was wearing a ceremonial Naboo dress. I was wearing a superkewl dress, in my favorite colors: red and black. Long black gloves and a wide black skirt with under it a bright red skirt, visible above my feet. Red women’s shoes.. I really had to get used to walking on them J

A bright red tight revealing shirt, techno looking belt. And a beautiful necklace, black with a red diamond in it. A diamond from.. Bespin.

We were married in the City Hall of Azaki depot. Both we had to take the other entrance, I felt quite nervous. Inside it looked beautiful, I was amazed. Both on the other side of the hall we walked onto the stairs, where there was the altar. Val-Tane was wearing a very official looking Alliance uniform. I glanced back at the people; most of them I recognized, I smiled. Some of them looked strange..

No, today I’m not gonna worry about possible bounty hunters or whatever.. today I’m gonna enjoy this.. and even if the base gets raided by a complete Imperial regiment including AT-AT’s, then at least until then we had fun!

Time for the official ‘vows’. I felt impatient and at one point I accidentally farted softly. I hoped nobody noticed this..

It was time to give each other the rings.. I looked at the metal circle in my hand, that was supposed to go on one of Jarome’s fingers. On my own hand there already was another version of the same ring.

The ring that I hold is a perfect circle, with no beginning and no end.. let it be a symbol of my love.. always..

“By the authority invested in me by the Provisional Council of the Alliance to restore the Republic.. I hereby pronounce you husband and wife!”

We kissed each other and as expected, everybody cheered. We went outside and there were fireworks.

We got a lot of presents.. there were so many nice people. But again.. I didn’t really feel like.. Aaricia.

We went to the cantina to get some drinks.

Doctor Eley Roseward was standing next to me. For sure she was the most.. mysterious person to me.

Flashbacks of the audience with the queen of Naboo came to my mind. I was Imperial, between Imperials. I belonged to a group, but I felt quite lonely. I think that this feeling.. is a bit the red line in my life.. how had Gou-geo felt there, or Eley? I felt now.. I felt the same. But why.. I just got married darnit, I was surrounded by friends. I was back with the people where I belonged. Why did I still feel lonely?

I chatted a bit with Eley to withdraw my attention from myself, but it didn’t make me much wiser about her. She gave me a nice present, I smiled at her. A double spy? Would she- No.. some feeling inside of me told me that she wasn’t here to turn me in to the Imperials. She really was here to.. congratulate me!

“Come hun, let’s make a toast.” Jarome warmly said to me.

I followed him onto the stage, with the glass in my right hand I smiled shyly to the public.

“Hereby Aaricia and I want to make a toast..” Jarome started speaking, and he thanked everyone for coming to the wedding, for everything. “And now.. as in traditions for Aaricia and I..” He continued.

Then suddenly he turned around and threw the glass at the wall. I showed a big smile.. inside of me I laughed a lot.. remembering that night in the Fallen Star..

I followed his ‘example’ and while this time shouting ‘For the Force.. RRRRRAAAAAHHHH!!’ instead of ‘For the Emperor.. RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHH!!’ I threw my glass at the wall as hard as possible. I watched it explode into a lot of tiny, twinkling pieces.

I hopped back towards the public, then I bumped into somebody that looked quite familiar. Sadness surrounded her. She walked towards me, hesitating.

“A.. Aaricia?”

I examined her.. she really looked familiar but the memory didn’t seem to pop up in my mind. She looked sad, almost crying. From her pocket she grabbed a pistol –I stepped back ready to defend myself. She turned the pistol around and offered it to me. She looked a bit shocked because of my reaction also.

“I’m sorry Aaricia.. I’m so sorry..”

I took the pistol and looked at it.. then the memories came back. Scaeme Silverstar.. my niece, she was standing right in front of me.

“The families pistol. Scaeme.. don’t tell me..” My eyes grew wide. “Have they killed them?”

She nodded, then burst into tears. I comforted her, took her in a tight hug, now crying myself too.

“I’m sorry that I made you cry.. don’t cry Aaricia..” She fought her own tears.

“Scaeme even if I cry.. I feel happy.. at least I feel!”

Feeling.. for how long I hadn’t felt a thing? Fighting them, the hidden feelings.. while I had learned to brutally oppress people in the name of some Sith lord.

I didn’t know where these words came from, but they sounded very familiar as I spoke them. “It’s good to feel. Never stop feeling Scaeme, never..”

I looked in her eyes. “You are a member of the resistance now too..”

She nodded.

“I’m sorry Scaeme, I’m sorry for everything..”

She gave me a tight hug.

“We cannot turn back time Aaricia.. I have been angry at you for a long time. I wanted to kill you.. but not anymore. I.. I have to go now.”

“Scaeme!” I urged her. “Don’t die! We are the last.. two Silverstars.”

“I promise.”

We hugged one more time, then she slowly walked away. In my hand there was the cold metal of the pistol. Metal.. just metal.. what was this in comparison to a.. life. I wanted to throw it away.. but no there was the signature.. this was from the family. Sighing, now fighting the tears a bit myself, I put the weapon next to the other gifts that I got.

I clenched my fist.. hate formed in me, froze my heart. I felt like choking because of it. And for them I had served..

Time to grab a drink.. no I had a child in my belly. I sighed deeply, trying to focus on the here and now, focus on my own breathing, focus on the happiness of the other people.

“Are you well, Aaricia?” A hand got put on my shoulder.

I turned around and looked in the eyes of Jarome. The hate vanished within two seconds, as if some huge bucket of water was thrown onto the fire.. I nodded at him.

Loving I looked in Jarome’s sweet eyes. Jordiane was singing a romantic song and we were dancing. I saw in his eyes too that he was a bit bored.. that he wanted to do something else right now. I grinned. Just a few minutes patience.. and then we would be on our own.

On our own.. but why did I feel as if Jarome was a strange person to me..

Why did I feel like a stranger to myself?