***
Today I think I met half the Rebel Alliance, Jarome has been thrown into jail as a traitor, I got hugged by the droid-girl Lyzzie that kept calling me ‘Sasseke’ and after weeks Andy contacted me.
I lost my two best friends, they are interrogating Jarome now. I didn’t want to be there, but Zamar seemed to understand that and he dismissed me. Jarome is a traitor.. and traitors deserve severe punishment. But he is also my best friend at the moment. I don’t want him to die, I don’t want him to vanish just like Andy. I cannot hug Andy anymore, I cannot look him in the eyes, we cannot kiss each other anymore.. only the cold email. But that is not the same!
I’m crying now as I’m writing this on my datapad, crying because of Jarome, crying because of Andy. Why didn’t he contact me before.. only after weeks I got a mail from him. Maybe he didn’t have the opportunity, we have to work hard for the Empire and barely get time off. Maybe Jarome was right.. maybe he just uses me for.. booty call. Jarome has changed.. but does it matter anymore..? He will die anyway or be thrown in Dathomir prison, or sold as a slave. The Imperial Garrison’s slave?
Baskalar. I met him tonight.. also called ‘Val-Tane Ricaud’. One of the top wanted rebels from the Garrison’s list! Why did he tell me his name, I could have turned him in easily. But I didn’t care, I was totally drunk. I was only.. frightened, running, puking in one of the trenches, totally panicked. I thought for sure that they would kidnap me and then torture me again and maybe eat me. They say that rebels eat people. But they didn’t.. they didn’t even chase me.
And then this weird guy.. he is in Entha often but probably not anymore, as I yelled that I will turn him in. Just like Val-Tane he looked very familiar, just like him he makes me feel sad. He made me cry when I was drunk. He said to me that I used to be good, but they changed me into a monster. I said that he was crazy and that the opposite was the truth. Then he called me ‘Pawn of the Sith’ or something like that, and then he ran away fast.
I think he is a madman, some chronic drunk guy that lives on the streets. But he wears decent clothes.. but even people with money can be mad.. but still this confuses me.
I think Lyzzie is a rebel. She had sent those recordings, about the stun incident in the medcentre, to that reporter. She was drunk and hugged me and said that she was sorry about what her dad had done to my brain, and that I used to be a very nice girl that I was one of her friends. And those other people, she talks with them a lot.
I can turn them all in now, and they will be wiped out in a week or so. Put against the wall, in front of a firing squad. But the thought.. no I don’t want to do that! But I should, else I’m a traitor.. just like Jarome. A rebel.. just like him. Maybe I’m still a rebel..
Maybe I fit more with those people than in the Garrison. Maybe they have really been friends of mine.. maybe those things that I believed the last months, maybe they are not true. Maybe I’m brainwashed, just like that weird ‘madman’ told me only about an hour ago, maybe they have lied to me. But why would they give me a new life? That’s just totally weird.. who is telling the truth? I have the feeling that I’m sinking away in some swamp. Medication makes me sleep, makes me full of energy so that I can fight.. fight for the Emperor, who gave me mercy. Who kept me alive, who gave me this new life! They would normally have killed me. Nobody is maltreating me, Zamar was also very nice to me. If I have problems I can talk with him, anytime.
Anytime, but Jarome will be killed maybe! And there is nothing that I can do against that.. I know, we have been taught to even kill our lovers or best friends if the Empire commands us to do that, just like children on the streets. The Empire stands above everything, even our friends. Else the system cannot function properly. Else there will be the beginning of chaos, but only our sacrifices will prevent that! And the system will keep existing, thanks to us. Maybe I should turn them in, Lyzzie and that madman, and tell command about Val-Tane. My feelings don’t count, we are only a few people, a few drones. Maybe that’s the reason why they didn’t come to get those rebels, after I contacted Jarome with my commlink. I’m just one of the many, the system is more important than any of us. If the rebels would have captured me, the army still exists.. even if I die the army will still exist.
Maybe I better get to sleep and hide this file, encrypted, in a system files folder of my datapad. Nobody would even look there. I’m glad that I still have this diary. If I cannot talk to anybody about these things at least I can write them down.
-------------------------------------
Tonight was the Jazz ball party at Club Jazz. Of the Garrison Jane was there with Asa and Jarome arrived later dressed in some weird purple looking ‘dress’ but he told her that it was male Naboo clothing.
Jarome seemed to have changed, like he had become more cynical, and.. distant.
When the fireworks were being lit into the sky Jane grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the bar and consumed big part of it while sobbing about Andy. Then her datapad bleeped, as an email from.. Andy had arrived on it! He still loved her and apologized that he hadn’t contacted her earlier. She felt better and happier, but when Jarome told her that he probably used her for booty call, and that he himself would be gone from the Garrison within a few months too to become a Tie pilot she loudly burst into tears again and continued gulping from the bottle.
Then she met Lyzzie and they got in a fight as Lyzzie was drunk and she was insulting the Empire. She punched the girl in the face as she was drunk herself too and then got zapped by Lyzzie’s cybernetic arm. Outside Lyzzie made her apologies, hugged her and said ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for what my dad has done with your brain, and that I’m drunk and hence say and do stupid things’.
Then there was this ‘madman’ and that other man that looked very familiar and made her feel a lot of things. This man started talking to her and said words like ‘Baskalar’ and ‘Val’. Then she remembered.. panicked, backed off from them and, screaming, she ran away, while contacting Jarome via the comm. The madman kept chasing her but when she was too exhausted to keep running he only talked with her and put a hand on her shoulder, and then he sprinted away. It looked like he flew away or something, like some wizard, but Jane was drunk so her brain wasn’t functioning the most accurate.
Jarome commed her that he would die like her some minutes ago, she remembered this and sprinted to her speeder to get back to the base. There she put her head under the cold tab to make herself a bit more sober and put on the uniform after which she rushed to the CO’s office. There Jarome was indeed standing, naked, cuffed.. a traitor. Crying she put him in cell 02, Hamna explained what he had done and outside Zamar had a talk with her.
On the comm she heard orders to interrogate Jarome but Zamar
dismissed her.